“Mary, it’s wonderful to see you!”
What a sweet greeting this would be…if you were Mary. More and more, Mom is referring to you as her sister, forgetting that you are her daughter. When a loved one with dementia forgets you, it is often very challenging to accept. The sadness is overwhelming, the frustration undeniable, and the questions keep mounting up: What do I do now? Why is this happening?
These pointers will help you react to these moments with love and grace, keeping your connection alive in a new and different way.
Realize That It Is Not Personal
When an individual you love has difficulty recognizing you, it is normal to feel hurt, as if all those precious moments between the two of you have been lost. But it’s essential to remember: this has nothing to do with you personally. Dementia causes changes in a person's brain that can make it hard, and sometimes even impossible, for them to recollect the people who mean the most to them.
They have not forgotten you intentionally. They have not stopped loving you, even when they are not able to recall your name or how you’re related. This is the disease talking, not the senior. Reminding yourself that it’s the dementia—not a reflection of your relationship—can help you work through the difficult emotions that arise in these moments.
Focus on the Feelings, Not the Truth
Even though the person may not remember your name, they'll be able to feel your presence. Dementia often impacts memory, but it doesn’t get rid of the capacity to sense emotions. Even though they don’t know that you are their son, daughter, or spouse, they may still feel safe, comforted, and loved when you're there.
So instead of concentrating on making them reflect upon details of your relationship, focus on promoting positive feelings. Smile when you see them, hold their hand, share a comforting hug. These actions speak louder than words or names, and they may bring moments of connection even if the specifics have faded away.
Join Them in Their World
Dementia can create a distance between your reality and theirs, and occasionally bridging that gap means letting go of the need to bring them back into your reality. If the individual believes you are a person from their distant past, or does not recognize the present moment, it could be calming to simply meet them where they are instead of trying to correct them.
For example, if they think you’re a friend from their childhood, instead of reminding them of who you actually are, ask questions about their current memory. This strategy can reduce anxiety and confusion for them and lets you share a moment of joy in their present understanding.
Find New Strategies to Connect
When memory fades, it doesn’t mean the connection must fade along with it. Finding new ways to connect can help maintain your bond in a meaningful way. Think about what still brings them happiness. Music is frequently an effective tool—it can bring memories rushing back even when names and words are forgotten. Putting on their favorite songs might bring a smile to their face and even help you share a joyful moment together.
Photos and simple activities may help too. Looking through old family pictures may not trigger detailed memories, but it can still generate a feeling of comfort and familiarity. Activities like brushing their hair, sharing a favorite snack, or taking a gentle walk together can create new positive moments, even though they don’t recognize you in the traditional sense.
Allow Yourself to Grieve
There is no denying that when someone you care about doesn’t recognize you, it feels like a powerful loss. It is okay to feel helpless, sad, or even angry. You’re mourning a significant change in your relationship, and that grief is valid. Take the time to accept your feelings and find outlets for them, like talking with a friend, joining a support group, or writing in a journal.
You don’t have to endure this alone. Connecting with others who know what you are going through can help you process your feelings. Realizing that you are not alone in facing these difficult moments will make it feel a little less isolating.
Celebrate Small Moments of Joy
Even though the person may not recall your name, there will nevertheless be moments that are worth celebrating. A gentle touch, a smile, a shared laugh—these moments are priceless, even if they seem small. Shift your focus to these fleeting moments of joy, because they are still real, and they still matter.
If the person seems calm and content in your presence, that’s a win. If they smile at a favorite song or relax when you hold their hand, that is a success. These moments remind you that while the relationship may be different now, the love you share is still there; it’s just shown in new ways.
Explore Our Dementia Care Services
We know that forgetting names is just one of the many difficult effects of dementia, and we’re here to guide you through them all. Our caregivers receive specialized training in effective dementia care strategies, and we’d welcome the chance to help someone you love. Reach out to us any time at 416-422-2273 to learn more about our dementia care in North York, Toronto, York, and throughout the GTA.
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